Igneel Dragneel's Facebooks
by Black starry dragco
Summary: Funny comments and stories. Based my dad's Facebook posts


_**Hi, Everyone! This is actually based on my dad's posts on FB. So I decided to honor my parents and my siblings with fairy tail's characters. I hope you enjoy it!**_

_**Myself as Lucy**_

_**My young brother as Natsu**_

_**My younger sister as Wendy**_

_**My youngest brother as Happy**_

_**My Dad as "Me" ( Igneel)**_

_**My Mom as "My Wife"**_

* * *

_Dragneel Dinner Theater Presents:_

Me: "I've been thinking..you all have to pay rent once you turn 18 unless you are a student. Student's live free, everyone else has to pay. And not try that not having job crap like Lucy, because I'm keeping track and charging back rent."

Natsu:" That's cold man. We should get to live for free. Mom would let us."

My Wife:" No your father's right. If you're not in school, you can't get too comfortable."

Me:" That reminds me.. When you turn 18. Maybe your mother should stop rubbing your feet with lavender to help you sleep too, ya freeloader."

My Wife (to Natsu on the side patting his hand reassuringly) :" I'll do that whenever you need me to no matter how old you are."

Me: " That's creepy."

My Wife:" It is not creepy. And then when he get married, I'll teach his wife how do to do it like he likes to."

Me:" What the hell?! THAT IS CREEPY! Stop saying stuff like that."

My Wife:" It is NOT creepy."

Me: "That is easily in the top 3 creepiest things you've ever said."

Natsu( in a deep booming announcer God voice):" Number 3 !"

Me: "See that? Even The Boy knows. That reminds me Natsu, don't forget you have to take a shower tonight."

Natsu:" I don't wanna take shower."

Me: " I can smell you from here and I'm telling you, you need a shower."

Natsu:" That's how I like it. Keeps the girls away."

Me: "Boy, I know you pretty well so believe me when I tell you that's not what keeping the girls away."

My Wife: "You stop it."

Me: "I calls 'em like I see'em."

My Wife:" That is not true. Girls love to be near him. I know because I'm a girl and I love to be near him."

Me: " JESUS WOULD YOU STOP BEING CREEPY?!"

Natsu( in a deep booming announcer God voice):" Number 2 !"

My Wife:" It's not creepy!"

Me :" Next thing you know you'll start calling him your 'Delicious Boy."

My Wife: "He IS my Delicious Boy!"

Me: " STOP IT!"

Natsu( in a deep booming announcer God voice):" Number 1 !"

Me :" You got that right Boy."

* * *

_More Proof that Natsu will live with me forever._

"Dad? Do we celebrate Veteran's Day because we care so much about our pets?"

_It's kinda cute...until you remember the boy is eleven._

* * *

_Dragneel Dinner Theater Presents 2:_

Me : Yup, when you were sick on Easter. I thought you were pregnant.

My Wife: I told you that's not possible.

Wendy (in a dreamy tone): That would be a miracle!

Me: For sure.

My Wife: Sweetie, Daddy only acts like that because he secretly wishes I was.

Me: Oh absolutely. Of all the wishes I ever wished that's wish I wish the most.

Wendy: NO ITS NOT! WHAT YOU WISH FOR IS A RIDE TO A FANCY RESTAURANT IN HUGE LIMOUSINE THAT THAT ONLY SERVES HOTDOGS!

Me:...

My Wife:...

Happy: I don't know much but that's some comedy right there!

_Like living in sitcom folks..._

* * *

Happy was doing leaf rubbings in scouts tonight and the edges got overly dark.

He said" Aw... Man they're all pixelated."

When I was 6, I would have just said smudged.

I dig that about him.

* * *

Lucy's on vacation this week. So she wants to sleep until noon every day. Woke her up at 8 and told her we had an emergency meeting at her school, something about her she needed to hurry up and get ready. She dressed, rushed downstairs and I was alreaady gone to work. My wife got to tell her April Fool. She was not amused.

_To LUCY_

_From DAD_

_ME: Hi :)_

_LUCY: Hi Dad._

_ME: Did you like out April Fool's joke?_

_LUCY: Yeah Very Clever._..

* * *

_My Wife's Weird Dream:_

My Wife:" So.. I had the weirdest dream last night. I knew you. And you were still you, but you looked like Chris Hemsworth. And you were married to his wife and you had his baby. But you are you. And you met me and we knew we had connection and stuff but you were married. So we were torn."

Me: "So...you had dream about flirting with Chris Hemsworth."

My Wife: " No it was you."

Me: "But I looked like Chris Hemsworth."

"Yes"

"And I was married to his wife."

"Yes."

"And I had his kid."

"Yes"

"So then it was Chris Hemsworth"

"No!... And we were in the Galapogos Islands. It was even more beautiful than I remember."

"So... You were on Paraside, cheating with Chris Hemsworth."

"It was You!"

"Did I have my hammer?"

"It wasn't Thor dumbass, it was Chris Hemsworth."

"AHA!"

_To be fair. I'm not jealous. I've dreamt I'm Chris Hemsworth before too._

* * *

_Dragneel Dinner Theater Presents 3: (Chirstmas edition)_

While we sat at a very lovely dinner she had prepared, my wife tried to tell me that she needed to go upstairs while I washed the dishes. So she go upstairs and wrap the Christmas PJ's. Not wanting the children to hear, she whispered it. I couldn't hear her at first.. But I'm sure as hell can spell!

My wife (whispering):" I have to wrap the pajamas."

Me:"Wha?"

My wife (whispering):" I have to wrap the pajamas."

Me:"What?"

My Wife ( offering an exasperated sigh, she decides to spell it out):" I have to R-A-P-E the P-A-J-A-M-A-S!"

Me:"WHAATT?!"

My Wife: " No! I said W-R-A-P you A-S-S!"

* * *

_Dragneel Dinner Theater Presents 4:_

Happy: " So don't freak out, but Pilgirms...are...real! Seriously!"

Me: " Oh yeah?"

Happy:" Yeah. But they lived a long time ago. Like 500 years or something."

Me:" That long, huh?"

Happy:" Yeah! That's like even longer than Mom's been alive!"

_My God...I love that kid :)_

* * *

Natsu just came up to me and said," I'm so thirsty. I keep drinking and drinking and drinking but I can't get enough."

"Really." I said.

"Yeah. Must've been that sponge cake I ate last night." Then he give a wry smile.

Clever boy.

* * *

_Dragneel Dinner Theater Presents 5:_

Natsu decided to argue a point to us that video games are a great source of learning. So he should be able to play them during week instead of only on weekends. Even pulled out a book of statistics to support his claim, victoriously spouting numbers in his mother's face. We conceded that some games are, but not the ones he wanted to play all the time and that if he wanted to play some real educational games. We could accommodate him. He walked away feeling cautiously triumphant.

My Wife looks at me with nod," You see that boy trying to drop some knowledge on me?"

Me:" Yup."

My wife (scoffing): "Phff, like I don't know what's up."

Me: "Yup"

Wendy chimes in with her 6 years old voice,"Mom's smart. No one knows as much as Mommy..."

My wife:" That's right."

"...Because she spent all that EXTRA time in college."

Me: "Heh... Awesome."

* * *

_Dragneel Dinner Theater Presents 6:_

My Wife: " So today we were running late for the bus and when I told the kids to hurry, Natsu said he wanted to show me something in the yard. I said " I don't care if Jesus is in the yard, we have to go!"

Me: " Was it Jesus?"

My Wife:" No, it was spider."

Wendy (6 yrs old) with a thoughtful look: " Yeah. But that sure would have been a great honor."

* * *

_Dragneel Dinner Theater Presents 7:_

Wendy (6 yrs old):" Happy, stop talking with your mouth full!"

Happy (5 yrs old):" You're doing it too! Be quiet and eat your dinner!"

Wendy (smugly): "Well, I ate more than you did already."

Happy, with fork in hand and a mouthful of food tucked in his cheek, looks at his plate, then at her, back at his again, then looks up slowly at Wendy.

Happy (narrowing his eyes):" Well played, woman. Well played indeed."

* * *

Tonight's dinner conversation went something like this.

My Wife," You know, Wendy helped with dinner. Out of all you kids, she's the only one who will know how to cook when she grows up."

Natsu," I don't need to cook. I'm gonna have a wife."

Hand to God, I thought she was going to smite the boy right then and there.

* * *

My Wife looks at kids and says," Hey, it's our anniversary and you should treat us special because if we hadn't gotten married you wouldn't be here..." Then she looks at eldest daughter.

"...Well...75% of you wouldn't be here!"

* * *

So We're at the dinner table...and My Wife says that she's going to make some more bread. Natsu said no...because it tastes funny in his sandwiches for school and can't she she just buy some white bread?

Then he looks at me for backup, to which I reply," Hey kid, I just pay the bills. Mom runs the house. It's her call."

Then he look right at us and actually said," Well if you didn't pay the bills, she wouldn't have house to run. So you should be able to tell her what to buy."

~Slience~

Then I promptly made my exit. That freakin' kid is on his own!

* * *

_Igneel's Parenting Rule 13#_: If you want to know which one of your kids is guilty. Don't ask them directly. That goes nowhere. You want results, pit them each other. That is the magic sauce right there.

* * *

So we're waiting to eat and I tell Wendy," Go do something until it's time for dinner." She says," Like catch rainbows?"

I freaking love this kid. :)

* * *

My Wife:" I love that Old Navy commercial with Bootsy. I like Bootsy."

Me:"Do you know who Bootsy is?"

My Wife: " Yeah, he's from the Parliament Funky Bunch."

Me:" Did you just say 'Parliament Funky Bunch'?"

My Wife:" Yeah. You know... With George Washington. George Washington and the Parliament Funky Bunch."

Holy Crap... I love my wife. I couldn't make this shit up... :)

* * *

Natsu looks at me this morning and says," Dad, if oceans all drained out tomorrow, do you think the ground underneath would be quicksand or just mud?"

_What?_

* * *

_Playing tag with my sons. _

Me: "I'm gonna get you Happy!"

Happy(3 yrs old):" You can't cuz you're too fat and old!"

..._Ouch_..

* * *

Okay brain. I don't like you and you don't like me. But we need to get our shit together and get some work done today. Whadaya Say?

* * *

_**Okay! This is the end of it! I hope you guys enjoyed it. If you have any questions then review or PM me. Have goo day!**_

_**Love,**_

_**Author**_


End file.
